Remorse and the 5 year old

Often we doubt how we might be doing as a parent.  I find myself, that I use trial and error on many of the events that come my way.  The boys tend to throw me curve balls, and I often feel like I strike out.  There’s definitely not an adequate playbook out there.

Because of all these many moments of vulnerability, it’s such a wonderful and rare moment that you have when your first born displays the type of emotion and remorsefulness that enables you to believe that you are doing a great job at raising a caring and empathetic individual. 

The other day, Doc brought Bert home from school.  I normally pick up Bert, but Doc got home early (yay!) and as my wonderful husband normally does, he decided to take up some of the household slack. (I mean seriously, today he let me sleep in and folded a bunch of laundered towels—He’s definitely a keeper).  So anyway, he gets Bert home, but Bert won’t come out of the car.

He refuses to get out.

Apparently he got in trouble at school.  Unfortunately, there is no evidence in his folder that he got in trouble at school…so, I have to rely on his word.  He finally comes out, obviously concerned at my reaction to his first behavior mishap ever (it’s the end of the second six weeks people! I’m really so proud that he’s gone this long without any problems of any kind.). 

My little bit of experience with him told me I should question and find out what’s going on (CALMLY) before coming down on him.  So, rational me came out and calmly asked him what happened (this in itself is a major personal feat…I mean, irrational me likes to rear her head…and before you wonder too much more about my psychological health, rational me will tell irrational me to butt out and get on with the story   )? In between sobs, all he could tell me is that he didn’t remember (he would have pled the 5th if he knew what it was, but instead he showed credibility as someone the defense would gladly put on the stand).  Okay, so I led in again with….

“Did you get in trouble with Ms. W?” 

He then told me it wasn’t Ms. W…apparently he had another teacher.

Okay, so my investigative skills kicked in a little more (thank goodness I get to put the logic part of that math degree to use every once in a while…let’s get a setting here: 

So, was Ms. W gone all day?  No?  She was only gone after lunch.  Okay…so when you got in trouble, what were you doing (as in what part of your day were you in?).  Naptime?  Okay…

What did you do at naptime?  Were you talking?

Yes?  AH-HA! 

So, you talked during naptime when you had your other teacher? 

Now that I’d figured out the problem, I was getting somewhere.  The assumption was that he probably talked more than once, right?

Then, he finally told me the whole story…

Apparently the sub told him to be quiet because he was talking to A during naptime. He did not quit talking…he did it again.  Now, this is where it gets sketchy…there was nothing in his behavior folder so I don’t know if he really got in trouble or not.  He apparently thought he did.  He was really blaming himself and really worried about the whole situation.

So, figuring he had punished himself quite enough, I told him…we’ll see what Ms. W says tomorrow when she gets back. (followed by more loud crying)

Oh, you don’t want Ms. W to find out?  (He’s adamently shaking his head NOOOO)

Well, sweetie…if your other teacher left Ms. W a note, she’s going to find out.  If it was bad enough, she might write it in your behavior folder for me.

I thought about it and decided to take a teaching moment…

Bert?  You know…you ought to go to Ms. W tomorrow and tell her that you are sorry for getting in trouble.  You should tell her before she talks to you about it.  Maybe it would make her feel better?

He looked at me and through crying eyes, he said “Ok.”

Then I asked him,

What did you learn from this?  He replied, “Don’t talk when your teacher tells you to be quiet.”

I then told him…

Since this is your first time to get in trouble at school, I won’t punish you anymore than you have already punished yourself.  BUT, remember that the next time you get in trouble, Mommy and Daddy are NOT going to be happy about it.  You need to listen to your teachers.

I also mentioned to him that he may not get an apple in his folder from Ms. W depending on how she feels about what he did.  In our house, if you get apples everyday for your behavior for an entire six weeks, then you get $10 to spend on whatever you’d like.  We started it after a perfect six weeks of behavior last time.  He bought a set of new hotwheels cars.  He is really excited to be able to get some more cars this six weeks, and I feel that he earns it by having good behavior for an entire six weeks grading period. There are not too many 5 year olds that can accomplish that feat.  So, a natural consequence is that this day might have cost him something that he was working toward for six weeks, and I wanted him to be aware of that.

The next day, I went in and spoke to the teachers.  Ms. W was still out, so I spoke to the student teacher and sub.  They told me that he had not been the only one…the other kids were excited too during naptime.  He had not done anything bad, and he did not get in trouble.  The teacher had just given him a warning…and if anything had gone wrong it would be in his folder.

That afternoon, he got his apples in his folder.  Coincidentally, it was the end of the second six weeks.  I told him he would get his $10.

Needless to say, he learned something…and punished himself much more than he really needed to.  I was proud of him for coming to me and telling me what happened (even if I had to pull teeth to get it all out because he was so upset), and because he was really upset about it and felt really remorseful.

I guess some of what I think goes in one ear and out the other might actually stay in that head of his from time to time.

I’ll give him a pat on the back…and a small one for me too.  (I’m grinning ear to ear on the inside, but he won’t know it until he’s older).

Bert at 21 months (he’s now 5)

To you new people out there—his name isn’t really Bert. 

I’ve been working on this one since yesterday.  Somewhere in there I aged him a bit, I think.  This is by far the best one I’ve done, I think.  I’m very happy with it.  I don’t like his reflection, so I might have to go back in and change that up a bit.

Peace in Forgiving

Forgiveness is something that I feel I learned more about well into my 20’s.  It’s not something that I was taught about, not at any length.  I always thought that forgiveness was something you did to let the other person off the hook.  Understandably, I did not like the idea of forgiving someone.  It wasn’t until I sat down with my old pastor and spoke to him that I learned something new about forgiveness.  It is not something you do to excuse someone.  It is simply something you do to get things off your chest and it is a way to deal with things, and still be able to interact with that person, or not.  It involves lifting the issues from your own shoulders so that you can breath again. 

If there is nothing else that I ever convey to my children, it is the importance of learning to forgive.  It doesn’t mean that you act like things never happened.  It just means that you move on and choose to concentrate your emotions and health on something else.  It lets you “get over it” and work on how you are going to grow and move on past the issue.  I believe that forgiving is essential because it allows you to keep a healthy mindset and let things that you cannot control.

You don’t pretend like things did not happen, you just protect your heart and your mind from further hurt and emotional problems by choosing to accept it how it is.  It’s your body’s way of protecting itself by choosing to accept things as they are and let go of trying to control the situation.  It is then your decision how you proceed.  Do you deal with that person?  Do you choose not to interact with them again?  The bliss is that you get to choose your reaction, and then let it go.  Don’t let it eat away at your for years.

I learned this because I had such overwhelming issues with my father.  I love him, because he is my father.  I have such great memories of him from when I was a kid.  As I got older and after my parents divorced, my father and I grew apart.  I started growing up and could make my own decisions about him.  I loved him anyway, but he grew more and more distant.  After he remarried, he threw his heart into his new family.  Honestly, I cannot blame him for this.  He needed to do that.  It was his second start…a chance to do it right.  I had a hard time with my memories of broken promises, and then with the things he didn’t do (like travel 8 hours to see his step children who live in the same town as I did, and then conveniently call me at the last minute and spend at most an hour (more like 20-30 minutes) in passing…meeting his grandchild only once and never meeting his second grandchild.)  It was then that I decided to protect my boys from knowing upset by a grandparent like I felt as his daughter. 

I’ve forgiven my father.  I don’t let it get to me anymore.  I know that one day, he might need me.  When he does, he is welcome.  I love him as I always have.  When he truly decides to be a father and grandfather, he will be welcome into our home.  My condition is that it must be all or nothing.  I won’t compromise my boys happiness with him breaking their hearts. 

Sure, when I think of it too much, it still tears at me a little.  In forgiving, I’ve had to separate myself from the situation.  It allows me to be happy and I can actually feel good about my father this way.  I can appreciate those good moments and not dwell too much on the things that hurt.  The key is that I cannot control what he does…I can only control how I let myself feel.  I can keep my feelings from being a reaction to his actions, and instead let my feelings be something that I have regardless of what he does.  I could not change him, but I could change my outlook on it.  It has resulted in much more peace on my part.  Forgiveness allows that…peace.

Hibiscus

Thanks to this picture (courtesy of this website) in google images, I was able to have a pretty Hibiscus to sketch today. 

My goal was to apply some of the blending techniques that I learned from this website.  Rebekah Lynn had some great tips and suggestions, and I think they worked for me.  I still have a lot to work on, but I feel like my blending was more even and I felt much more confident trying to apply these ideas.

 

Here is my sketch. 

My Then 1 1/2 year old…reworked

I’ve since also reworked the chin area…making the drawing’s chin slightly less “long”…I’ll post the rework later.

The Apple Fell Far From the Tree (at least my side of the tree)

My oldest son continues to amaze me each and every day.  He definitely is quick and witty like his father.  I, unfortunately, cannot claim that this part of him is inherited from me. 

Last night, while Trick or Treating at our Mall, a lady responded to Bert’s “Trick or Treat,” by saying “Trick!  I want a trick!”  I figured he would just stand there, not knowing how to react.  Instead, he stuck his tongue out at her and blew a funny noise out of his mouth.  She said, “Well, I did ask for a trick!  He’s pretty quick there!  Didn’t skip a beat!”

Needless to say, I think sometime soon, I will find myself at the mercy of my son’s witty remarks.  We shall see.

————————————

Another funny that happened yesterday…

This one really got me laughing.

Bert was playing on the computer at the Nick Jr. website when he said, “Mom! Can you help me?”

I walked over and he said, “I need to hop on the geyser and I cannot do it.”

Amazed that my 4 year old knew what a geyser was, I replied, “Geyser?  How’d you know it was called a geyser?  Who taught you that word??”

He looked thoughtfully at me and said, “Mom, God gave me a brain.”

All that this moment was missing was  “Dah-Duh-Dum-Crash!” from drums and cymbol after he ended.

So funny!!!!

 

Currently?  He’s selling his 2 year old brother car insurance.  (car insurance?? really???)  He’s using the coupons that some of the lame stores gave us last night instead of candy.

“I Said ‘Hey! What’s Goin’ On?’”

Wow! It’s certainly been a while since I was on here actively posting.  My life has been busy with kids and work, and tutoring at the Elementary nearby.  I needed a “break” from blogging, so I took it.  I’m looking forward to posting more here. 

Some things that have happened during my break?

-Got more leverage…bought a Wii!  Thanks to the roofer guy that gave me a discount, I now could get one. 

-Been struggling more and more with Ernie’s Eating.  I’ve given up, not in.  We have eliminated sugary (non-fruit) snacks…now we do fruit, dried fruit, and cheese sticks for lunch instead (and other healthy things).  I am no longer worrying about how much he eats at dinner.  If he chooses not to, it’s his problem.  When he starts losing weight, it’s my problem to deal with then.

-We got hit by an evil virus…(yes, it’s cleaned up now)…beware of Windows Pro Antivirus (Trojan).  In short, it majorly sucks.  I was lucky to have a husband with knowledge of computers…if not, it would have cost MAJOR money.

-We FINALLY know our medical training fate for the next year and a half.  We DON’T have to move!!  Yay!

-Bert has gotten independent enough that I am able to now “drop him off” at the school’s circle in the morning!  (Yay! No more cold, rainy mornings with a 2 year old in one hand, and an umbrella in the other—while trying to walk, and suddenly falling on my ass on the sidewalk for all the world to see!! (I know…major runon….but, you get the idea)—and I know how to close my parenthesis properly, so there.)

-I’ve gone through another cycle of “Do I want to have a baby?”, “I think I want to have a baby.”, “Hell, No! I don’t want to have a baby!”…and I thank my two wonderful and adorable boys for helping me to make my decision.

-We graduated to bunk beds for the boys.  We completely redid their room and decorated it.  They loved it! (even if I had to “FORCE” Bert to sleep on the top bunk for two days before he got used to it and accepted it.)  Hey!  Don’t judge.  My son needs a little kick in the butt every now and then to attempt something because he gets scared.  What better way than to force it on him by giving punishment as a consequence???  You know you do it too!

-I now see everything as a subject to try to draw.  I size it up…I think about the values, and try to convince myself I can do it.  I wish for the day when I CAN do it…I want to be able to draw everything.

-I’ve discovered and accepted that I make 2/3 of the mess in our house, most of the time.  I’ve also come to accept it (as does my husband) because I clean it all up 99% of the time.  (I really should have recorded his acknowledgement of this fact).

-I’m now in my “maintaining” cardio/weight place…I am now only working out 3 times a week.  I do cardio/weights twice…and just cardio the other day.  I’m no longer strength training…just lifting what I want each time.  I’m not as cut as I was, but I am still in really good shape and feel great!  That’s my goal, so I’m happy!

 

And, there you have it, folks!  This is what you missed in my absence from blog-land.  When I think of more, I’ll update you.

In the meantime,

 

Happy Halloweenie!

My Then 1 1/2 Year Old

 

I’m not that happy with this one…I think it’s the eyes…or the lips…or the mouth…or all of it.  He was not happy here, but also not angry.  We were taking photos at JCPenney, and the photographer scared him, I think.  Poor little guy.  This is the expression he was making as he had his body turned up against my legs and was looking back at the camera.

He still doesn’t like taking pictures…

On to Something Else

I’ve never denied being a flighty person.  The truth is, I think I just love doing lots of different things, and strive to do many things pretty well.  I don’t have to be wonderful at them, although when they are in my current rotation of things I am doing, I do try to make myself better and learn more about it.  Call it what you want.

I’ve always wanted to draw.  I’ve never been very good at it, but I could always look at something and “sketch” it without putting in shadow and making it look real.  It’s always bothered me that I could not do that.  Lately I have been wanting to draw, so I did some research and have started.  I can say (honestly) that I have learned a lot in the past week or two.  I did not post my original couple of drawings…although I think I will, because they were that bad!!

These two latest posts are pictures of my oldest son and of my sitting on the couch looking at my shoes.

My goals in both of these drawings was to apply what I have learned about values and shadow and blending.  I did the shoes last night…I think the blending in that picture is much better than in the picture of my oldest son.  Either way I had fun for a couple hours and am now obsessing on drawing.  I am finding myself thinking of things I see in terms of values and shading and how could I draw it??  I have a house that I would like to draw, but I would have to get permission to sit across the street and draw that private home first.  It’s the way I want my house to look on the outside one day.  I could almost say that I would buy that house without ever stepping foot into it, just because I feel it is the right fit for me from looking at it from the outside.  Crazy, huh??

Some other things I plan to work on…more pictures of my sons…my hands (or someones–I really need to practice that part more)…eyes…more faces…the list goes on and on.

I hope you enjoy my contribution, and please realize I am completely self-teaching myself and this is hugely a “work in progress.”

Happy Halloween!

Comfy Shoes

Comfy Shoes

My Oldest Son, Age 4

My Oldest Son--4 years old

Epiphany of Myself

I had an epiphany last night.

It’s one you probably already noticed.  Sometimes I am a slow learner, alright?

I have challenged myself to be more “modest.”  I don’t know if that describes exactly what I am shooting for, so let me describe what I want to accomplish.

• not be as loud
• not have an opinion on everything
• not have advice for everyone (I am sure it is often unwanted)

I think a lot of my talking comes from not necessarily knowing the “right” thing to say at the right time.  I think I give up way too many things about myself without being prompted or asked because I fear getting caught in one of those “quiet” moments where it’s awkward and you don’t know what to say.

So, I will try to

• ask more about the other person
• LISTEN (this one I really need to work on)
• try not to come across as stuck up because I am not talking as much

We shall see how this goes.  If you know me at all, you know this is the ULTIMATE challenge.  I figured this was a good place to put this so that I might keep myself accountable.

Wish me luck.

 

Do you find faults in your own personality?  What are they?  Tell me about them.

Why I Wouldn’t Hire You

Part of one of my work at home mom part time jobs is to call ladies who have expressed an interest in selling a certain type of beauty product.  This job is a fun one for me because I get to train ladies 3 times a week on how to sell beauty products and I get to use both my teaching experience, and my past selling experience to educate them.

I have been doing this job for the past year, and I am grateful that I get to do it.  I really have few complaints, and none of those are with my manager, whom I love dearly for giving me this opportunity.

Over this past year, I have come to the conclusion that there are some things that are not as “understood” by some as they are by others.  One thing that is drilled into my mind each and every time I make a phone call and receive annoying music instead of a ringtone…

Really, People.  I don’t mind your music instead of a ring.  I’ve actually picked up a couple new songs along the way, and realized that some people have wonderful taste in music that brings me back to another time.  Unfortunately, I sometimes run into the person who has the ringtone that makes me listen to the entire song.

That is not what I want to spend 5 minutes of my time doing (nor 5 minutes of my long distance or cell minutes). 

So people, PLEASE keep your ringtones short. 

 

If I had a choice…If I was in the position to properly “hire” someone…

YOU WOULD NOT BE THAT PERSON.

I would skip you over and call the next person in line.

So, to you people who love having your ringtones.  Keep in mind that in this economy, that may be a bad decision with hefty repercussions.  If you haven’t gotten that call back, or haven’t gotten called at all…check to see if you have a ringtone that people have to listen to in order to leave you a message.  I’m guessing your future employer doesn’t want to listen to your bad choice of music.

Amber Alert—JOZ has been missing…

I’ve been taking a blogging break.

So much has been happening and I have been tutoring so much that I just don’t want to spend time on the computer being witty or telling stories.

I was not cut out for once a week blogging, it seems. 

I love my blog,

and I will continue to blog…

just not as often.

 

I hope you understand.

Mean Mommy Chronicles: Leverage

Bert recently received a Nintendo DS lite for his 5th birthday.  At first I was really hesitant because he’s 5, and that’s an expensive toy.  I tried to convince my husband that it was a bad idea.  Bert got a taste of the Nintendo DS at our workout facility.  It seems that all the boys and girls that owned one would bring it to the nursery everyday (they keep kids up to age 12, and in the summer that is actually used).  Bert got a good dose of Super Mario Kart, and that was all she wrote.  (I can attest that it is a highly addictive game). 

Anyway, so Doc and I decided to get Bert a new bike for his birthday (something we could afford), and I saw how much Bert liked this game and started looking into it.  My mother decided that she would get Bert this game for his birthday.  (So, yes—I am an admitted hypocrite—I didn’t want it for him, and now I wanted it for him.  Hey! Stop it! A girl is allowed to change her mind!!!)

If I only realized how much this truly meant in the realm of motherhood when it was bought for my son.  He loves this game.  He wants to play it all the time!  He plays it everyday when he gets home from school.  It was only about 2 hours after I saw him playing almost non-stop (he had his recommended 20 minute break every hour—per the manual), that I realized I had a very powerful little gem in my possession. 

I had…….LEVERAGE! 

Since this has become his plaything of choice, I have started withholding it as a punishment when things go really, really wrong.  So far, it is working.

Ah, I have gotten wise enough in my past 5 years of mothering to know that I cannot overuse this thing of beauty, or its essence will wear off.  So, I shall use it wisely…only withholding it over the most drastic of behavior faux pas.

What is your go-to tool?  Do you have one?  If not, I highly recommend a super expensive little gem that is worth its weight, plus some, in gold.