Often we doubt how we might be doing as a parent. I find myself, that I use trial and error on many of the events that come my way. The boys tend to throw me curve balls, and I often feel like I strike out. There’s definitely not an adequate playbook out there.
Because of all these many moments of vulnerability, it’s such a wonderful and rare moment that you have when your first born displays the type of emotion and remorsefulness that enables you to believe that you are doing a great job at raising a caring and empathetic individual.
The other day, Doc brought Bert home from school. I normally pick up Bert, but Doc got home early (yay!) and as my wonderful husband normally does, he decided to take up some of the household slack. (I mean seriously, today he let me sleep in and folded a bunch of laundered towels—He’s definitely a keeper). So anyway, he gets Bert home, but Bert won’t come out of the car.
He refuses to get out.
Apparently he got in trouble at school. Unfortunately, there is no evidence in his folder that he got in trouble at school…so, I have to rely on his word. He finally comes out, obviously concerned at my reaction to his first behavior mishap ever (it’s the end of the second six weeks people! I’m really so proud that he’s gone this long without any problems of any kind.).
My little bit of experience with him told me I should question and find out what’s going on (CALMLY) before coming down on him. So, rational me came out and calmly asked him what happened (this in itself is a major personal feat…I mean, irrational me likes to rear her head…and before you wonder too much more about my psychological health, rational me will tell irrational me to butt out and get on with the story
)? In between sobs, all he could tell me is that he didn’t remember (he would have pled the 5th if he knew what it was, but instead he showed credibility as someone the defense would gladly put on the stand). Okay, so I led in again with….
“Did you get in trouble with Ms. W?”
He then told me it wasn’t Ms. W…apparently he had another teacher.
Okay, so my investigative skills kicked in a little more (thank goodness I get to put the logic part of that math degree to use every once in a while…let’s get a setting here:
So, was Ms. W gone all day? No? She was only gone after lunch. Okay…so when you got in trouble, what were you doing (as in what part of your day were you in?). Naptime? Okay…
What did you do at naptime? Were you talking?
Yes? AH-HA!
So, you talked during naptime when you had your other teacher?
Now that I’d figured out the problem, I was getting somewhere. The assumption was that he probably talked more than once, right?
Then, he finally told me the whole story…
Apparently the sub told him to be quiet because he was talking to A during naptime. He did not quit talking…he did it again. Now, this is where it gets sketchy…there was nothing in his behavior folder so I don’t know if he really got in trouble or not. He apparently thought he did. He was really blaming himself and really worried about the whole situation.
So, figuring he had punished himself quite enough, I told him…we’ll see what Ms. W says tomorrow when she gets back. (followed by more loud crying)
Oh, you don’t want Ms. W to find out? (He’s adamently shaking his head NOOOO)
Well, sweetie…if your other teacher left Ms. W a note, she’s going to find out. If it was bad enough, she might write it in your behavior folder for me.
I thought about it and decided to take a teaching moment…
Bert? You know…you ought to go to Ms. W tomorrow and tell her that you are sorry for getting in trouble. You should tell her before she talks to you about it. Maybe it would make her feel better?
He looked at me and through crying eyes, he said “Ok.”
Then I asked him,
What did you learn from this? He replied, “Don’t talk when your teacher tells you to be quiet.”
I then told him…
Since this is your first time to get in trouble at school, I won’t punish you anymore than you have already punished yourself. BUT, remember that the next time you get in trouble, Mommy and Daddy are NOT going to be happy about it. You need to listen to your teachers.
I also mentioned to him that he may not get an apple in his folder from Ms. W depending on how she feels about what he did. In our house, if you get apples everyday for your behavior for an entire six weeks, then you get $10 to spend on whatever you’d like. We started it after a perfect six weeks of behavior last time. He bought a set of new hotwheels cars. He is really excited to be able to get some more cars this six weeks, and I feel that he earns it by having good behavior for an entire six weeks grading period. There are not too many 5 year olds that can accomplish that feat. So, a natural consequence is that this day might have cost him something that he was working toward for six weeks, and I wanted him to be aware of that.
The next day, I went in and spoke to the teachers. Ms. W was still out, so I spoke to the student teacher and sub. They told me that he had not been the only one…the other kids were excited too during naptime. He had not done anything bad, and he did not get in trouble. The teacher had just given him a warning…and if anything had gone wrong it would be in his folder.
That afternoon, he got his apples in his folder. Coincidentally, it was the end of the second six weeks. I told him he would get his $10.
Needless to say, he learned something…and punished himself much more than he really needed to. I was proud of him for coming to me and telling me what happened (even if I had to pull teeth to get it all out because he was so upset), and because he was really upset about it and felt really remorseful.
I guess some of what I think goes in one ear and out the other might actually stay in that head of his from time to time.
I’ll give him a pat on the back…and a small one for me too. (I’m grinning ear to ear on the inside, but he won’t know it until he’s older).



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